Matthew Malone

Matthew Norman Malone is the unemployed owner of the three-bedroomed flat in which the show mostly takes place, and which he hardly ever goes outside of. Once from Herne Bay, and a self-proclaimed ladies' man, the car accident which killed his parents has left him with a significant inheritance - part of which he spent on buying the Battersea flat, and which means he does not have to work - but also resulted in a deep fear of the outside world and acute agoraphobia.

Although Matt still keeps a surfboard in pristine condition, routinely waxing it, even passing beyond the front door causes a panic attack. He passes the days alone in the flat whilst the others are at work by dressing up, role-playing and spying on the neighbours. Routinely makes up wild and implausible stories about his past and what he has been up to through the day whilst the others have been at work. Loves to use the word "tosser" and the phrase "double hard bastard" and in an ongoing gag throughout the entire series would mock his flatmate Martin for being ginger and force him to make endless cups of tea. Despite describing himself as a "double hard bastard," he secretly enjoys things that could be characterized as "effeminate," such as 1940s "love story" movies and Emmerdale when not watching Reservoir Dogs or Bikini Beach Babes on Safari.